Sunday, March 19, 2006

Why I Am a Night Owl

Daddyslittlebabygirl wants to know...

Mr Gaelin can I ask you somethin? I notice when you talk about punishments that you don't have sex with them. Like when you said this:

(To finish off, I will leave the room and march tracks in the carpet over the fact that I am longing to go back into the bedroom and tear off her nightgown and ravish her!)

And also a few posts back when you posted "Who's Being Punished Now?" Anyways I'm just wondering how come you don't just rip off her nightgown and do whatever you want to do? Just wondering.

Well, my dear, you pose a question I often ask myself in moments of near-torture after my girl is dreaming sweetly in her bed and I pace the carpet wondering why I do this to myself. There are answers, though. You will have to decide for yourself if they make sense.

This has much to do with the idea of roleplay versus reality. As I have explained before, we attempt to live our lifestyle with as much verisimilude as we can muster. This means that while we both freely recognize that Anna is an adult capable of managing her own affairs, I choose to make decisions for both of us as frequently and consistently as possible, and likewise, she defers. We do not create imaginary "scenes", but rather she is punished for true infractions of rules. (These rules, of course, are a construct themselves, but within that construct we choose to operate.)

Therefore, though it often rather torturous, I try to keep sexual pleasure separate from punishment. I do not want to mix punishment and reward because I feel it sends a mixed message. I certainly understand the nature of your question, however, because they are difficult to keep apart.

For those like myself, who are sexually aroused by the sight of a pretty bottom, it is difficult enough to avoid indulging. Adding to that the sadist sexual pleasure I derive in reddening that beautiful bottom and punishing it thoroughly leaves me on the brink of madness.

So why I do it is a reasonable question. There is a darker pleasure I take, you see, in depriving the little one of her own pleasure. Knowing that she, too, is aroused by the heat in her bottom and by the fact that I have tucked her, sweetly but condescendingly, into bed at a hour much too early for a grown woman, is another delight. She is not permitted to touch herself without my permission. And knowing she is twisting in the sheets, frustrated and hungry, pleases me enormously. Sadistic and cruel, isn't it?

It is, in spite of the pulsing hunger I experience while I wait, a pleasure worth waiting for. Knowing that the next day, when I put one finger inside the waistband of her pants, that she will melt against me and begin to whimper before I have even touched her breasts, her bottom, between her thighs, knowing she she will be shuddering against me within minutes and again within a few more, and more times again before an hour has passed... this is what makes it worth waiting for.

The purpose of deprivation is anticipation of fulfillment. Anticipation of fulfillment makes fulfillment all the sweeter.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

The Way It Really Happened

As Anna related, she was caned about a week ago, for the very first time. In keeping with a promise, her first caning was comprised of only one stroke. She made the decision to accept the one stroke in lieu of a spanking with another implement, which happened, on that day, to be the wooden spoon. (Do stop me before I launch into a diatribe on the virtues of the wooden spoon, or we'll be here all day.)

My relationship with Anna involves a lot of discipline. She is spanked regularly. She is often diapered, given enemas, has her mouth washed with soap, is given physical examinations, and is given rules and restrictions. The reason for this is not that she needs these things in order to help her be a responsible person. It is also not because she is a badly behaved person in need of someone to control her behaviour. It is because both of us enjoy this type of relationship. I love the fact that an adult, beautiful, sexy, intelligent woman allows me to infantilize her and to punish her and to spank her beautiful bare bottom. It has nothing to do with lacking respect for my wife (or for women in general), but is rather, a variation of BDSM, a particular kink which gives us both pleasure. The fact that she needs no taking care of, but allows me the privilege to do so anyway, is exactly what makes the experience so powerful. As far as I'm concerned, there is an intimacy in this type of relationship that does not exist anywhere else. The trust involved in giving authority over one's body to someone else is enormous and I never forget what a gift it is. I never take it for granted, and I always feel honoured when Anna takes another step closer to me.

She did so last week when she decided to trust me to administer a type of punishment that has terrified her for years. In Anna's description of the situation, she mentioned that she was not accustomed to being spanked in the standing position, but rather to being put across my knee. This is absolutely right, and there is good reason for my choice of over-the-knee as the standard position. In this position, I have optimal control over her movements and also an optimal view of the lovely target. :)

Caning, by contrast, is a less intimate and more institutional form of discipline. In truth, for these very reasons, it is not one of my own personal favourites. What made it appeal to me in this case was the very fact that it terrified Anna so. Call me sadistic and I will not call you a liar.

I wanted to take her through something she found so frightening. I wanted her to give me a part of herself she'd been holding back.

In trusting me this way, Anna demonstrated her enormous trust for me, and that is precisely what I find so completely erotic about ageplay, discipline, and infantilization. It is the incredible expression of trust and intimacy that exists here and nowhere else.

I could see how terrified Anna was throughout this experience. Her face, which normally blushes a delightful pink during discipline sessions, was sheet-white. I was concerned, in fact, that she might faint, and for that reason I asked her to slow her breathing and to focus on her breath instead of her fear. As she leaned across my desk, I could see her legs trembling. Poor love, she really was terribly terribly frightened.

It wasn't easy to administer discipline this time. In fact, it often isn't. Although I take great pleasure in most aspects of disciplining my girl, I do not enjoy seeing her frightened like this. In this case, taking her through that fear was the goal, and I tried not to let her linger there too long. Often,the journey really is the goal but in this case, the goal was the destination.

When I say that the journey is often the goal, I mean that usually when I discipline Anna, I take great pains to set the right tone for the experience. I do not simply pull down her pants and swat her. I want her to go through a range of emotional experiences, and the spanking itself is only a tool. Prior to a spanking, I inform her she will punished. Usually I try to give her a few hours, at least, to think about this beforehand. Anticipation is an extremely powerful tool, and giving her time to get nervous, to wonder what implement will be used, to wonder how long and how hard a spanking will be, are all part of the emotional experience. This type of anticipation is something that is difficult for her, but contributes to the feeling she craves.

After she has had time to anticipate, I will inform her the time has come. I enjoy giving a spanking before bed, so she may be tucked into bed immediately following a punishment. Being sent to bed early, of course, contributes enormously to the sense of being treated as a little girl. Most often, I send her to the bedroom alone, to prepare herself. She is instructed to wait for me in the bedroom. Again, I give her more time. This final anticipatory phase lasts perhaps 15 or 20 minutes. It is the most heightened part of the anticipation and I know that during this time she is usually breathing fast, getting cold hands, and feeling rather trembly.

When I arrive in the bedroom, I will have her sit beside me on the bed, or stand before me, while we talk about the spanking that is to come. I will bring the implement with me so she can see it while we talk. During this time, I want to draw the little girl feelings out as much as possible. I will speak to her the way I would speak to a child, using endearments and expressions designed to remind her that although she is a grown woman, in this moment, she is my little girl. I try to be stern (which is often difficult when I see her lip tremble) and also to reinforce, frequently, that I love her. I always make it clear that I am not disciplining her out of anger, but out of a sense of responsibility to take care of her as I feel is best for her small-self. I like the blush she gets during this phase and how she has trouble meeting my eyes. Of course, I insist she looks in my eyes from time to time, and getting her to admit that she obviously needs a spanking for her behaviour is a powerful experience for both of us. Sometimes I will force her to say the word the word "spanking" in this context. "Do you know what is going to happen to you now, little one?" Oh yes, she must respond honestly.

Following our discussion, I will require her to stand before me and I will undo her pants and pull them down to her knees. I do not remove them entirely because I feel she is made more acutely aware of the nakedness of her bottom by leaving it sweetly framed in this manner. Sometimes I take down her knickers at this stage as well. Other times I leave them for later.

Then, she must place herself across my lap. I require she cooperates in this process. Although I am larger and stronger than she is, I will not wrestle her into this position. She must comply. I believe this makes her feel more submissive and increases her sense of being dominated and disciplined. Once she is across my lap, for her own safety, I hold her hands behind her back. This prevents a stray hand from accidentally being injured in attempts to protect her bottom. (There was a time when she did suffer an injury to one of her fingers when she managed to wiggle a hand free and I accidentally spanked it with the paddle! Ouch, poor dear.)

The spanking then begins. To start with, I usually spank with my hand. There are many reasons for this:
1. With your hand, you are much more able to gage how hard you are spanking because you can feel it too.
2. Skin to skin contact is more intimate and intensifies the experience for both of us.
3. Touching my wife's bottom is fun. :)

I like the first spanks to be hard ones because I want them to make an impression. I do not, for discipline, believe in "warm up" spanks. I try to cover the entire bottom with my hand, concentrating mainly on the curve, and attempting to make the whole bottom nicely pink. (It matches her face then, creating a nice overall picture. Much like shoes with a matching handbag.) After the handspanking, if I plan to use an implement, I switch.

I will also peel down her knickers slowly for a layer of handspanks prior to using an implement. That moment of exposure is important, whether it happens at the beginning of the spanking or later on. It is done ceremoniously, slowly, to heighten her embarrassment and make her feel as vulnerable and exposed as possible. Lifting the bottom up high forces those lovely cheeks slightly apart and embarrasses her further.

I usually "layer" a spanking, meaning that after the first round of spanks, I will stop and talk to her as she remains in position. I expect her to respond to me during this talk, and for that reason I ask her questions and require coherent answers. There are a few reasons for this as well:

1. During a spanking, she is not able to listen to me properly because she is focusing on her bottom. Stopping and talking to her between rounds gives her time to focus on the lesson of the spanking as well as the spanking itself. I don't want her to get so focused on the pain that she forgets why it is happening. Stopping and talking to her refocuses her mental energies on the emotional part of the experience. I don't want her to feel "alone" during a spanking; I want her to feel a direct connection with me. Allowing her to go too deeply into the pain aspect of the experience without connecting with me is isolating. I want her to feel the pain, but I also want her to feel the embarrassment of being spanked, I want her to feel my unwavering attention to her behaviour and her needs, and I want her, ultimately, to learn something from it.

2. Talking to her between rounds of spanks gives her time to calm down and not reach a state of uncontrolled panic. I carefully gage when the "breaks" should happen, based on her physical and vocal reactions. I attempt to let her get slightly panicked with each round (after all, it isn't meant to be enjoyable, but a punishment) stretching her limits a little more with each round as we reach the "climax". The only time I do not give her these breaks is when her misbehaviour has been a direct act of disobedience or defiance. In those cases, I attempt to let her feel a (controlled) sense of panic that I might never stop spanking her for the rest of her life. :)

3. During this time, I can run my fingers across her hot red bottom and enjoy the pretty view and admire my own handiwork.

From here, the spanking reaches a level of "climax", a point at which I deliver a series of hard and rapid spanks that are meant to push her as far as I feel is emotionally safe for her. Again, because I spank her for discipline and punishment, I do intend for her to feel slightly frightened and panicked, and I do mean for a spanking to hurt. But, within that goal, it is essential to know boundaries and never let her feel that I am spanking her without self-control and awareness of her physical status.

She always cries.

I have discussed this with many other men and women involved in this lifestyle and understand that many people have trouble achieving this emotional state. My experience with this tells me that the tears come from an emotional place and not from a physical one. If she isn't crying, the answer is not to spank her harder. It is to talk to her more. The tears nearly always begin during the "breaks", the conversation parts of session, and are only encouraged by the spanking itself. She cries when we talk about the reason for the spanking, which, at its core, is because I adore her and I know her small side needs spankings to feel loved. She cries when I tell her that I need her to remember how loved she is and that every session of discipline is designed to drive that point home again and again. What I have learned, over time, is that the part of my wife that leads her to want to live this lifestyle, is a small fearful childlike part that worries that she will be abandoned and forgotten, and that disciplining her, as much as she hates it, reassures her that her fear is foundless. I have also learned that spanking her and disciplining her will never assuage this fear entirely. It will only soothe it for the time being until she needs another lesson, and another lesson I am always willing to teach!

After the climax, there is a denouement (ah, what thanks I owe my high school English teacher for this lovely descriptive word). I slow down the spanking, and reduce the impact. The final few spanks are always delivered with my hand, even if an implement has been used in between. This re-establishes our physical connection, and having been through the worst of the spanking, her bottom is red and hot and during this part she does not react in pain to my final spanks, but simply lies limply and cries. It is an emotional purging, and a final wringing-out. I coax out the sobs.

When this is done, I hold her, and she usually remains in this position for awhile, lying across my lap and crying. By this point, she is not feeling shy and no longer cares that her bottom is red and exposed. I rub her back and her bottom (gently!) and tell her how I love her, how proud I am of her for accepting her punishment like a good girl, and eventually help her to get up so she can sit in my lap. This part of discipline is where the greatest attention must be paid. She must be comforted for a long time and thoroughly. She must be held and rocked and told over and over again how much she is treasured. I kiss away her tears and hold her tightly until the tears have stopped completely and she is calm and relaxed again.

By this point she is often ready to be tucked into bed, another task I take great pleasure in. If she is feeling particularly small, I may give her a pacifier or even a bottle. I will often sit beside her, on the edge of the bed until she falls asleep.

(To finish off, I will leave the room and march tracks in the carpet over the fact that I am longing to go back into the bedroom and tear off her nightgown and ravish her!)

Ahh... where have I wandered off to?

Back to the story!

In many ways, a caning differs from our usual spanking routine. The different position, of course, was the first thing Anna noticed. She was frightened, and in that position, had less physical contact with me for reassurance. I made every attempt to get through to her that I would never hurt her seriously. I spoke to her throughout the preparation for the spanking, and touched her often.

My practice strokes alarmed her, and I could see her bottom tensing with each one as it gently tapped her and she wasn't breathing. Again, I tried to get her to relax as much as possible. (Practice strokes are generally done for effect, to increase the anticipation, but having not wielded my cane in a significantly long time, the practice strokes were necessary for me. Had they not been, in this case, I would not have done them. Anna's level of anticipation was already off the charts.)

The practice strokes, three in all, helped me to determine where I would land the real stroke. I wanted to make her first experience as manageable as possible, and for that reason I needed to ensure my stroke landed on the fleshiest part of her bottom and landed as evenly as possible. Because of the way the cane lands, naturally, the cheek farthest from the spanker receives the brunt of the blow. In a six-stroke session, I would administer three from each side, to balance out this phenomenon. But, because Anna was to receive only one stroke, I wanted it to be as even as I could make it.

By the time I had tapped her those three times, she was holding her breath and was as white as a ghost. Again, I spoke with her briefly to try and refocus her on the connection between us rather than her terror. I asked her to take a slow deep breath, and then, when I felt she was in the middle of that breath, I administered the stroke.

Poor dear. She stood straight up (which I would not normally tolerate, but of course, refrained from commenting on as she was new to this) and grabbed her bottom with both hands and let out a wail as her legs ran in place. My sadistic side was in heaven at this picture, I must confess.

Then she fell into my arms and I held her close. Good girl, Anna, my love. Good girl. You have made me so proud.

In conclusion, I believe it's fair to say that the experience brought us closer. Caning, in and of itself, is not a mad passion of mine, but guiding Anna through new experiences is. Testing her limits and stretching her boundaries is tremendously satisfying; I am blessed to be married to this woman-child who puts such trust in me, even as she is white with fear and shaking like a leaf.

To complete this experience, Anna will be permitted to continue her explorations with the cane if she wishes. She may trade another full spanking for two strokes, and then three, and so forth, increasing by one each time, if she wishes. If she decides to pursue this implement to the sixth stroke, it will then become part of the repertoire to be used at my discretion with no further negotiation. If Anna chooses not to explore to the sixth stroke, that will be her choice, and I will retire the cane. Again, there is no pressure on her to do this, and the offer is openended with no expiry date.

The reward, my love, of having your trust is incomparable and I am grateful, every day, for you in my life. I thank you for your submission, I thank you for your trust. Most of all, I thank you for your love. You will always have mine, complete and unwavering.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Triumph of the Dowel

Anna, after an impossibly long run of impeccable behaviour, earned herself a spanking. And she decided to take me up on my offer.

And so, last night, my girl received her first cane stroke.

I had planned on photographing this milestone to document Anna's survival, but decided, upon witnessing the extent and honesty of her fear, that it was best to leave photography for another time when she was less in need of comfort and feeling more like showing off. You'll have to take my word for it when I tell you that her pretty bottom looked even prettier after it was decorated. *grins*

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