Tuesday, January 31, 2006

On the Concept of Unconditional Love

Ice_Princess said... Tell me your thoughts on the concept of unconditional love.

I believe that true love is always unconditional. Deep love is unconditional. My own experience has proven to me that when I love someone fully, deeply and truly, I am forever locked. I will always love. Nothing changes love. Finding out you were mistaken and misjudged someone does not change the love. Being mistreated and injured does not make love go away. This is my experience. I believe very determinedly that true love is always unconditional.

However, I do not believe in unconditional togetherness. While I find myself irrevocably tied to some past loves through my own unconditional love for them, I am not unconditionally bound to remain involved with them.

Partnerships are based on mutual respect, honesty, kindness, forgiveness, humour, generosity, and open-heartedness. When any or all of these aspects are damaged beyond repair, in my opinion, togetherness is at risk. I believe it is healthy to leave a relationship that is beyond repair rather than suffer without hope of improvement. I have left relationships that were beyond repair. I find I still love those people, unconditionally. I hurt to hear sad news of people I have shared love with. I still care. But I choose to be involved, together, only with people with whom I can conduct a positive, productive, and happy relationship.

I believe in unconditional love completely. But I also believe in making good choices, and surrounding myself with good people. I don't believe in unconditional togetherness because this can result in unconditional, interminable suffering.

I don't give up on relationships easily. I don't condone leaving a marriage/love the minute things get difficult. We will all face difficult times in longterm relationships. It is the human experience. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in patience. I do not expect that Anna will never have bad days, that she will never be short with me, that she will not grow old. Indeed, I expect that we will grow greyhaired and wrinkled and soft together. Our togetherness is not dependant on superficial things like appearance, or cheerfulness. I will support her when she is sad, and expect she will do the same for me. We will work through the difficult times together. As long as the foundation is strong, small cracks do no real damage.

Ice princess, I would be interested to hear your thoughts on this subject as well. I have spoken to the subject of unconditional love as it applies to couples. I believe that you will have more light to shed from the perspective of a mother - as well as your own experiences with partnerships. Thank you for asking my opinion. Now I am asking yours. :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Roleplay and Reality

Ice_Princess said...

I don't understand how you both do this 24/7 I left your little one a comment about that. I don't think I could live it 24/7 how did that come to be for you guys? Just giving you more topics to post about, as if you need my help lol.

This is an interesting question and a difficult one to answer. In some ways I would say that we do live a 24-7 lifestyle and in other ways I would argue that we do not. It is a question of roleplay versus reality.

My interpretation of true roleplay or true scening is that it involves acting or pretending; playing a part that is not real. For example, if we made up stories about Anna getting poor report cards marks at school, and I played her angry father, this would be a scene based on something that did not really happen. In reality, she is not a child, she is not a student, I am not her father, and this scene would be entirely imaginary. This kind of scening, in my opinion, can still meet the needs of the players if they agree on upon the "facts" of the story, and I think it can be therapeutic for some, particularly if the scene they choose to enact carries particular emotional significance. I believe there is healing to be had in scening, for some people.

A partial lifestyle, to me, means that the couple are involved in this lifestyle only at certain times, when it is convenient and desirable. I understand this completely, as many of us have other concerns and interests in our lives that do not allow us to indulge in this lifestyle at all times. I feel that we fit partly in this category and partly in the next one. For her own mental health, we agree it is important for Anna to have a career and friends and other things that normal adult women have and do. I do not wish to isolate her or prevent her from enjoying a normal adult life. I do not prevent her from reading the newspaper, reading adult books, seeing adult films, going to pubs, driving, and most everything that other women outside this lifestyle do. So, in this way, our lifestyle is only partial.

So, to me, a 24-7 lifestyle would mean that my wife was treated, literally, like a child at all times and in all ways. I do not believe this would healthy for her, and I do not believe it would be good for our marriage. I value my relationship with Anna on an adult level very much. I respect her intelligence and I respect her talents and opinions as a capable adult woman. If I were only to interact with her as a child, I would miss our adult relationship terribly. The part of our lifestyle that is 24-7 has to do with rules of the house, and that is because there are some rules that apply to both the child-side and the adult-side. For example, the child is not allowed to smoke simply because children are not legally permitted to do so, but the adult is also not allowed to smoke because I do not want my wife to subject herself to the health risks and dangers associated with smoking. The rule applies at all times and so in this way, this aspect of our lifestyle does apply 24-7.

It was, in fact, the issue of smoking that brought the question to the forefront. My wife is an actress ( if I have not mentioned that before) and is sometimes required to smoke on stage. Like many actors, when she was smoking onstage, she would carry this habit from work into her real life. I have always understood that her career can require her to do things she wouldn't otherwise do, and I had no problem with her smoking during the rehearsals and performances as needed. However, when she began smoking outside of work I told her I disapproved and we discussed it. (This was prior to our marriage.) She told me that she didn't want to smoke either, and that she wished she had more self-control. We agreed at this time that she was no longer going to smoke outside of the requirements of her career and she promised never to do it again. She agreed with me that she should be punished if she did it ever again and from that time on it has been a rule that applies at all times.

So, in this way, we are living the lifestyle 24-7. She can be punished for transgressions of adult or childlike misbehaviour. If she misbehaves in an adult way (like smoking or speeding) or in a childlike way (like being saucy or using bad language) she is punished the same way.

This is where I believe there is a difference between roleplay and reality. We do not pretend that I am really her father, though we use the word "Daddy". We do not pretend that she is really a child.

What we do is work within the reality of our true identities. I identify myself as her "Daddy", in reality. To me, Daddy means I am her protector, her teacher, her lover, and her disciplinarian. She identifies herself as my girl. This means she sees herself as my pupil, my lover, my friend, my little one. These aren't roleplay games, but parts of who we truly are to each other, and so they don't change in any circumstances.

Throughout our marriage, Anna has learned to give up more and more control over things she would never have allowed me to control when we first began our journey together. For my part, I feel it is my job to push her a little, to lead her slightly out of her comfort zone on a regular basis so she will feel the challenge of having her submission tested, and the pride she feels in succeeding.


Sunday, January 08, 2006

I am a Sadist.

My little one, Ireland's daughter posted : My Daddy is strict. He doesn't believe in letting things go and he is diligent about paying attention. Honestly, I don't know he can notice and remember every little thing when I have such a hard time attending to details, but he does seem to have super powers. He says it's because he doesn't want to let me down, but I also think it's because he doesn't want to miss a chance to spank me! Unlike me, I think Daddy actually enjoys giving a spanking. He certainly does it often enough to convince me so.

Let's talk about that, shall we? You said that you do not enjoy the sensation of pain just for the sake of itself. You are not a true masochist. I believe that I would not find it as enticing to inflict pain on a true masochist because the pain I cause you is meant to be corrective. It is not meant to be enjoyed. It is not meant to be arousing, in and of itself. In that way, a sadist and a masochist are poorly matched by definition. If the masochist loves the pain, how is the sadist to enjoy inflicting it?

I am a sadist, you are correct. It is the ultimate irony that the pain I love to inflict upon you is pain inflicted upon the person I adore most in this world. It is not powerful, to me, to inflict pain upon someone I do not love. And it does not please me to inflict pain meaninglessly or randomly. However, just as in the moment, you do not enjoy the pain I am causing you, in the moment, I have mixed feelings about inflicting it. I am moved by your tears and your pleas and I do hate to hurt you as much as it simultaneously pleases me. When I punish you, I am seeking to guide you, through pain, to the other side of pain, where you are purged.

I am a sadist, and so it is true that the sound of your protests and cries does arouse me. The helpless futile wriggling of your pretty little bottom across my lap - when I pin your arms behind your back and spank it - is absolutely mouthwatering.

Your full-lipped pout when I send you to stand in the corner, your crimson blush when I have pushed you to a place you find uncomfortable - these are all treasures to me.

And so in these ways you are correct. Being your Daddy and owning your submission is enormously rewarding. Your desire to please me, pleases me as much as anything else could. Your obedience, when I insist you do something you are loathe to do, is the most moving thing I can imagine. When I order you to lie across my lap, knowing full well you are going to be severely disciplined, and you do so in spite of the fear, in spite of the embarrassment, and in spite of your reluctance, you please me and gift me in a way no one else can.

I am a sadist. But I am not merciless. I never have, and never will, inflict pain upon you that is beyond the realm of your ability to process it. I will always strive to push your limits, and prevent you from becoming complacent, but I will never harm you in any "real" way. I will never hurt you purely for my own purposes. As you have grown accustomed to over the years, punishments are always earned and never randomly imposed.

Likewise, I will never hurt you emotionally. Feeling my disappointment when you misbehave, being punished, and being forgiven, will always be the same. You will always be forgiven and you will always be loved, no matter what transgressions occur. I seek to make you feel loved and secure and know, even in your moments of the most ultimate kinds of embarrassment, that you are safe with me.

Being your Daddy is a responsibility I take seriously. It is my job to pay attention to you very closely so that no misdeed goes unpunished and no good behaviour goes unrewarded either. It is my responsibility to know you, better at times, than you know yourself. It is up to me to know your limits, both mentally and physically, and ensure that we push them just slightly, without frightening or harming you in any "real" way. Daddy, of course, does not consider a bright red bottom to be "real" harm!

Consensuality is an overarching permission and it is not to be considered by time and place and other specifics. You have given your overarching consent to me to reward you and punish you as I see fit. You have consented to be my little girl. Sometimes I will make decisions you will not like, but you can be certain they will always be made with your best interests in my heart because I love you above all. The fact that you do not enjoy being spanked, or any other punishments, heartens me greatly. If you said that you adored to be spanked, I would feel I had done it incorrectly, as your spankings are meant to teach you, correct you, and punish you. In this way, the fact that you are not a true masochist pleases me tremendously. I relish the fact that in the middle of a punishment you are red-faced, red-bottomed, humiliated, sobbing, and pleading for it to end with all sincerity. I relish it because when an hour has passed and you have been calmed and soothed, you tell me that you wish to change nothing. You wish to continue to gift me with this submission and so I am blessed.

And so it is true, my darling, that I do enjoy spanking you. I do enjoy all aspects of being your Daddy. Your submission and your trust are the greatest gift I have ever received and they will never be taken for granted. I remain aware, at all times, that these are gifts you have given me, that my situation is rare and special. I will always use your submission as a tool for your benefit and to help you to see how much I adore you, how aware I am that you are a blessing in my life.

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